Sabado, Hunyo 18, 2016

What Makes a Man a Robot

It's been so long since I've ever written anything here, but here I am. Two years (wow time flew and time didn't at the same time) into the corporate world, and I miss being able to think freely so much. I appreciate having my blog as an avenue - close to nobody will be able to read this anyway, and I find solace in that. Ugly truth, the emotions I remembered were triggered by my season five marathon of the TV Series Awkward. Deep.

People who know me well often tell me I'm a robot. I crave rationality everyday. I have no patience for difference in opinion. As a robot, the only thing I know is what's programmed to run inside of me. What's not me, what I don't agree with, is neither right nor wrong. To me, it's simply nil - it doesn't exist. Here I am writing my thoughts down so that I could understand myself.

Do I want this? Not really, but I prefer it. Being an emotionless man though, a heartless person, has it's pros and cons.


  • One, I can very easily name the things that make me sad. Being able to identify them makes it easy for me to avoid them - pets dying and pets dying in a movie. Really though, there's only the serious things: death, social injustice, animal abuse, environmental degradation, people's poor choices stemming from poor education. 
  • Two, it takes more than what it takes most people to get me down. I like being able to be the one that friends lean on and ask advice from. I like being that sturdy wall for my own and for the people I care about.
  • Three, I feel safe. It's really basic - heavily walled castles are hard to invade, hard to bring down, and hard to penetrate.
  • Four, I need no reassurance and affirmation from others. My self-worth does not depend anything else but me. Oh gosh is this why I only have like 10 friends and I'm completely satisfied? Sweet. 
  • Five, I don't crave. I am satisfied with life. I know where I want to be in the future, and I sure know how to work my ass off to get there, but there's a comforting note in my head that tells me that if this is how it will be for the rest of my life, I will live knowing how to count my blessings and appreciate all that I have that millions of less fortunate others from all over the globe won't get to enjoy. Am I happy? Not really, but I'm content.
  • Six, this is as real as it's going to get. If you see me, that's already everything I have to offer. I won't pretend to like you if I don't. I won't make up drama if don't I feel strongly about it - if it's not on my list in item number one of the pros list I won't even bother. If I tell you that you mean something to me, you have my word for it. I like to think of it this way: If normal people have the capacity to love a thousand people and give a piece of themselves to this thousand people then they are spreading themselves too thinly. On the other hand, I am also capable of a thousand units of love and just distribute it to the ten people I love in this world! Talk about how sulit my love is!
  • Seven, I am very simple to understand - just ask. I do not get offended easily.
  • Eight, I never have a deep sigh moment to wallow in my despair and disappointment. All I ever get is a deep breath of 'another opportunity to turn this already bad thing around'. Every
  • Eight, I can make a whole bunch of cons list below, but none of them are number one in my Pros list, so I live with them as easily as my body knows how to breathe.
I made a bullet list, but started each of them by counting and now I feel like I just have to stick with the whole damn thing. 

  • One, I usually come on too strong. I am condescending without meaning to be. I say truths and not realize people can get hurt from them. This is more of a con for the people around me than myself, really. If wake up call is what you need though, I'm the person to go to. Real friends will tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to.
  • Two, maintaining relationships is taxing. Every social construct is defined by a web of relationships. It is the most human thing in the world, but how do I do it while being this detached to emotions. It's like a swimmer being asked to compete in 100m dash. Everybody knows how to run, but it's not his element. I admit it, all the more or less 10 friends I have? They do most of the work to make me and them work out.
  • Three, I lack enthusiasm for the things I didn't ask for. Link this to number five in my pros list, and number two in my cons list and hopefully it makes more sense. I don't feel the need to be happy by asking for more than what I am due. On that note, I don't understand why people feel entitled with my gratitude for things I did not make them do. I know how to appreciate, but I'm probably not going to jump up and down with praises. 
  • Four, I get upset really easily. I have no patience for the smallest things. When things are not how I think they should be I automatically think they should be re-wired to how I want them to be. Fix them when they aren't really broken, just different. This applies to people, things, and circumstances in my life.
  • Five, it takes a lot for me to be happy, it takes even more to get me to recognize that it already made me happy. Simple trade off - I learned how to function without emotions. That means both good and bad emotions.
Like how it is with everything else, everything we are right now is a culmination of who we were, what choices we made, and what challenges we conquered and lost in the past. I guess life broke me and built me as a different boy altogether. The worst time in my recollection so far was a whirlwind of emotions. Living with people but feeling alone, being forced by circumstances to make decisions for the family when those expected to cannot do it for us were some explanations to it, but definitely cutting my story short.

My life, if an RPG, hightailed from Lv18 to Lv38 when on the average, a person at my age then are only expected to level up once a year on their birthdays. Then that was it. I realized I don't need that in my life. In a blink of an eye, I decided to leave my emotions behind never to look back, and put my walls all over my heart.

It was far from easy. Every time I feel a surge of emotions, I started recognizing it as weakness. I trained myself. Whenever I get angry, I let it go. When I feel sad, I take a deep breath and move forward again. Whenever I have any problem, I clear my head and solve it ASAP instead of giving my mind the opportunity to soak itself with emotions which are only out there to get me. I mastered it eventually - the art of being a living robot.

So that's me, at least for the time being. Again, am I happy with it? No. Am I sad about it? Hell, no. I prefer it this way. 

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